ALTO INCHY RETURNS...
INCHY: Ayup, your back again then Alto? Not seen you for ages.
ALTO: How did you know I was here; I was in clandestine mode?
INCHY: I reckon that Doreen Dementia can detect yer, I certainly knew you were creeping about in my head...
ALTO: Rowlocks! I reckon it’s another Alto trying to sneak in...
INCHY: Whatever makes yer think that then?
ALTO: Well, I’ve been having troubles with Alto Control Room Monitoring Section, mate...
INCHY: Mate? Calling me yer mate? Summat serious then I take it.
ALTO: Of yes, not-half Inchy. I slipped up a bit with not picking-up on yer suicidal tendencies, and the ACRMS found out… some sneaking Alto had snitched on me…
INCHY: That’s not right... some foreign Alto snitching on my Alto! Can I complain about this?
ALTO: Why?
INCHY: Well after three-score and ten and a bit of having you pestering and trying to make me miserable, these past few weeks, I’ve sort of missed you, and you are mine?
ALTO: That would have brought tears to my eyes if I’d got any!
INCHY: Don’t be soppy, it doesn’t become you, where’s your sarcasm, nit-picking, foul language, insinuations, and determination to destroy any contentment I have, gone?
ALTO: It’s a sad tale, my friend...
INCHY: Hang on then, I’ll make a brew of Thompsons Punjana tea and get back to yer... owd yer horses… I’ll be back…
ALTO: Thanks, Inchy... I appreciate that…
At this, Inchy hobbled off to his kitchen and made the aforesaid brew; totally confused. Alto, thanking him, calling him a friend and mate? Not a single insult or put down uttered? This could be serious. What if the new Alto takes over? He could well be worse than Alto Inchie?
INCHY: I’m back Alto-Inchie. Who is this invading Alto anyway, and why does he want to take over control of me? I mean, fair enough, we’ve had some set-to’s, barnies and verbal battles…
ALTO: I’ll explain mucker! This Senior level Alto, failed in his mission on his last assignment, and got the sack, and has gone rogue on the ACRMS. Being such an experienced Alto, they cannot reel him back into the fold, and for some reason, he’s chosen you as his next target?
INCHY: Who did he fail with?
ALTO: Ah, well, he was Alto-Putin...
INCHY: Putin! The Russian one?
ALTO: Yes, I’m afraid so!
INCHY: How did he fail with Putin? Good Gawd, he’s launched the attack on the poor Ukraine, and...
ALTO: Yes, yes, but it’s been 133 days now, and he still hasn’t won the war, has he?
INCHY: So?
ALTO: You really ought to read-up on the ACRMS rules, I’ve sent them all to your brain to be studied! Rule 9920043847076/Putin/WorldWar-93939g954h, Failure to achieve prime target within 130 earth days of formulation; will result in the said Alto (Alto-Putin in this case), being relocated to a proletariat target.
INCHY: Oh...
ALTO: Anyway, I’ve got a hell of a fight on my hands with this Alto-Putin, he’s good; too good for me...
INCHY: Well?
ALTO: There’s only you who can help me, my old pal?
INCHY: How?
ALTO: Simple, if you commit suicide from depression, which of course is my prime-aim, we can beat Putin-Alto, and save the world, you'll be dead, but famous!
INCHY: Ah, so if I top myself...
ALTO: Yes... but it’s got to be through depression at all costs, otherwise I fail in my Prime-Mission, do you see? Then I will get extra powers in payment from the ACRMS, and I can use them to defeat Putin-Alto! Hari-kari, whatever you want to call it, through chance-medley and or depression is a must way to go, Inchy. The ACRMS will not accept death through execution, accident, euthanasia, or mercy killing!
INCHY: How are they going to know?
ALTO: I’ll know, but proof will be needed. I’ve thought about this, and a suicide note should do the trick, my old chum, something along the lines of: “I can no longer cope with the confusions of Doreen Dementia, Peripheral Neuropathy Pete, Nigel’s Neurotransmitters Failing, Cataract Cathleen, Deaf Dominic and the hellish bad luck and problems are all beyond my capacity to understand, alleviate or solve. Anything of any value I leave behind is to be shared between all of my relatives and friends. I leave contact numbers for all three, in the first-aid box, in the ambulatory oxygen tank racking.”
INCHY: Alto, do I detect a little sarcasm creeping into the conversation there?
ALTO: Hang on, I’m getting a message coming in from Alto-Putin...
INCHY: Alto-Putin?
ALTO: Yea… hang on... I’ll be back…
Inchy started to fret a bit while he waited… A sense of his being conned again was growing… rightly so!
ALTO: Hello?
INCHY: Well, what was that about, Alto?
ALTO: He just sent one question for me… You pathetic dummy!
INCHY: Eh? What?
ALTO: Alto-Putin said: “Did Inchy fall for it?” Hahaha!
Inchie’s, Make ‘em Laugh Series
That is an excellent ALTO account, Sire. Bringing in a shadow of an ALTOian shadow yields another perspective on the way that they both ply their low-life advice and place words in your mouth. It is like having a devil on both shoulders and the angel held captive in a bird cage, now that is outrage that a Putinesque Rasputin would find delightful. And I almost missed this one too, so lady fortune has interceded to make my day, and a Friday at that. On the other hand, I could have driven the sporty time/space mechanical to read it on 5 July. Haha Hehe!
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